LICKING THE RAZOR’S EDGE

Addiction #25 – the challenge of CONFLICT

“Ego is the insistent self. Ego is the need to control — the need to be approved — the need to judge — the need to be right — the need to protect ourselves at all costs — to need to attack all that threatens. Ad the Ego feels constantly threatened. Every situation is a battleground for personal survival, and every other person is an enemy until he or she proves otherwise. Ego lives from crisis to crisis. It is addicted to taking offense … It is addicted to conflict.” ~ inspired by Sharon (a.k.a. “A Leaf in Springtime”)

“He who attacks always falls.” ~ George Leonard

It is fitting that our examination of conflict comes right on the heels of having identified our areas of arrogance, for these two addictions are intimately interconnected. Just as lessening one’s arrogance will lessen the severity of one’s conflicts in life, so too will the letting go of one’s conflicts automatically lessen the overall intensity of one’s pride.

And yet before we identify some of the ways we can free ourselves from conflict and the suffering it brings, we must first identify the places in our lives where conflict has quietly – often unnoticeably – taken root.

For starters, it is important to note that we are not merely focusing on physical or verbal abuse when we speak of “conflict”. Indeed, there are many types of aggression that are just as harmful as any physical altercation (if not more so), and many of them are so subtle that we don’t even notice them …

RECOGNIZING our ADDICTION to CONFLICT

It is not only nations that go to war. We too “do battle” on a daily basis – we too are addicted to choosing competition over cooperation, ostracizing over openness, and aggression over acceptance.

To help identify the areas in your own life where you might be addicted to conflict, feel free to honestly answer the following questions:

Do you see your workplace more as a source of stress than a source of enjoyment?

Do you refer to companies similar to yours as “competitors”?

Do you compare your looks (or your fitness, or your social status, or your intelligence) to others?

Do you establish “healthy boundaries” in any of your relationships in order to make sure you get your “fair share” of appreciation or affection?

Do you argue with others more than once a month?

Do you debate moral, political or philosophical issues with friends or associates?

Do you enjoy “winning” arguments?

Do you denigrate, ridicule, coddle or otherwise mock those who have beliefs or opinions that are radically different from your own?

Do you hope or pray for your country’s “victory” in times of war?

Do you gossip (i.e. speak negatively about another when they are not present)?

Do you openly express anger or annoyance more than once a month?

Do you think that lawsuits are sometimes a necessary way to resolve disputes or “right the wrongs” of others?

Do you tell “harmless” jokes about people of a race, gender, nationality or sexual preference different from your own?

Do you think it is good to openly identify who is “at fault” whenever a mistake is made?

Do you engage in melodrama more than once per month?

Do you champion the concept of “self-defense”?

Do you believe that the Earth’s resources are to be harvested to make humanity more comfortable?

Do you pray for others to “wake up” and “see the light”?

Do you try to “save souls” or “awaken” others by witnessing your religious beliefs to them?

Do you enjoy watching talk shows like Dr. Phil or Jerry Springer, or read periodicals like The National Enquirer or People Magazine?

Do you like to be the “life of the party”?

Do you enjoy flirting with or seducing other people?

Are you concerned about your physical appearance?

Do you get irate over news stories that reflect (or public figures who express) views that are significantly different from your own?

Do you like to “get the last word in” during discussions?

Do you rehash unpleasant conversations in your head after they are over?

Do you fantasize about “getting even” with the people who have wronged you?

Do you think that you can alter other people’s behaviors by showing them “the error in their ways or by “giving them a lesson”?

Do you prepare for unpleasant encounters ahead of time?

Chances are, you answered “yes” to at least a few of these questions. This doesn’t make you “weak” or “mean” or “shallow”. In fact, it doesn’t make you a “bad person” at all.

What it DOES make you is human; a human being who happens to be following a very primitive – and equally powerful, psychological program.

And, while this subconscious set of aggressive instincts is not “bad” per se either, it DOES encourage a self-focused way of behaving that ensures a repetitive experience of pain & suffering in your life.

The SOURCE of our CONFLICT ADDICTION

But where does this addiction come from? If conflict is so uncomfortable (and ultimately so counterproductive), why are we so attached to it in so many of our relationships?

*SOURCE #01: FEAR … At our most subconscious level of being, we are psychologically programmed to survive, and we happen to believe that the best way to ensure our own survival is to remain skeptical and afraid.

We are afraid of not having enough food to eat or water to drink (or money to spend for the same) … so we fight to “get our needs met”.

We are afraid that we will be abandoned by our “herd” and left alone to die … so we fawn over those seen to be “powerful”, and attack anyone perceived to be “weak” or “strange” or “weird”.

We are afraid of being attacked or overran or invaded or hurt or rejected … so we build up our defenses to protect ourselves from the same (often by lashing out at others before they even have a chance to hurt us).

*SOURCE #02: PLEASURE … At our fleshly level of being, we are physiologically programmed to seek pleasure and avoid pain, and we believe that the best way to ensure lots of the former is to engage pleasurable behaviors, while the best way to ensure reaping little of the latter is to lash out at those who cause us harm.

It turns out that conflict itself is physiologically addictive. When we are confronted by individuals who are believed to be “violent”, or situations that are felt to be “dangerous”, adrenaline and other opiate-like neurochemicals are released into our bloodstream. This arousal is designed to help us bring quick resolution to life-threatening encounters. The problem in our society is that we are inundated with stimuli that repeatedly convince us that we are under attack or – at the very least – unsafe.

Politicians consistently speak about “our enemies”, our churches regularly tell us that we will be punished for our “sins”, and our TV programmers are continually increasing the “jolts per minute” with which their ever-more-violent programs shock us. As such, our bodies are exposed to an “adrenaline cocktail” far too regularly, and many of us have become literally hooked on the rush it provides.

*SOURCE #03: POWER … As social beings – “herd animals”, if you will, it can be no great surprise to learn that the final source for our fracas-fetish is a sociological one.

Basically, we not only like to bond ourselves into groups for enhanced security, we also like to acquire & maintain positions of influence within our own group — and conflict is one of the main methods we use to do both that acquiring and that maintaining.

If we don’t feel like members of our “herd” (friends, family members, fellow Christians, fellow Democrats, etc) are listening to us, we often engage in some form of conflict-based provocation until we feel understood and appreciated.

If we are involved in any form of competition, we strive to win (and thereby be accepted – if not downright worshiped – by our “herd”).

If either we (or our values) are rejected or ridiculed, we attack the source of the same (lest the rest of our “herd” shun us as well).

If we witness a member of our “herd” straying into actions or beliefs or opinions that not “normal” or that are “inappropriate”, we confront him or her (often with rejection or ridicule) in order to encourage those “strays” to return to the fold and “act normal”.

And, of course, if our own “herd” is attacked by another (a nation, or a political party, or a rival sports team, or clique at school), we tend to mobilize our forces in order to collectively destroy that enemy. We do so even if the original attack happened many years ago – even if no one in our own “herd” can even remember what that enemy did in the first place.

The CONSEQUENCES of our CONFLICT ADDICTION

It is important for us to realize that even the most minor of skirmishes have profound, destructive impacts on our lives. There is no such thing as a “harmless squabble” or a “minor battle”. Every time we choose enmity over Acceptance, our Peace disappears. And every time we choose retribution over Forgiveness, our Joy runs and hides.

Even in the times when we are “in the right” and “on the side of justice”, our aggressiveness ensures that everyone loses — that true justice cannot prevail.

*First and foremost, realize that CONFLICT CAUSES MORE CONFLICT … And this is a very important point to understand. Even though it is reasonable & understandable for us to lash out against our enemies, doing so DOES NOT WORK. Indeed, there is no more efficient way to guarantee our continue suffering than to do so.

Going to war against our international enemies might be “morally justified”, and yet all it does is ensure that those enemies will continue to threaten our safety. Just as terrorists can only thrive when we choose to fear them, our “enemies” in our own communities can only thrive when we choose to treat them as such. And just as killing one terrorist always creates at least three new terrorists bent on harming us in the future, verbally or physically or emotionally attacking our local “enemies” only serves to entrench their dislike for us; it only serves to preserve the very source of pain that we are trying to eliminate.

War has not once ever made for true Peace … and conflict has not once ever made for real Harmony.

Peace-full ends never justify their means – unless those means are just as Peace-full as those ends.

*Secondly, realize that CONFLICT also PRODUCES POVERTY … By “poverty” here I do not only mean economic poverty, though wars and lawsuits and even our personal disagreements do indeed drain us of massive portions of our financial resources. And by “poverty” I also do not mean physical poverty, though the various ways we are aggressive towards others do indeed cause us illness and inflict us with fatigue. No, the greatest harm from conflict comes from a poverty that is far more insidious and far more destructive; a poverty that is more emotional than it is fiscal, and more psychological than it is physical … I am referring to the poverty found in our hollow, non-intimate, highly superficial relationships … I am referring to a poverty of the Soul.

There is no way to use conflict to reconcile with the people in our lives who are treating us poorly. Conflict has us lashing out at those who “deserve punishment” and then shielding ourselves from their return attacks. Though we have been taught that this choice is a way to “maintain self-respect”, the actual, practical result of such behavior is a spiritual brittleness that affects ALL of our relationships.

The wall that we erect and then bulwark between ourselves and our enemies cannot be lowered effectively for our friends. We protect ourselves from being harmed by others, and thereby keep ourselves from receiving the Love of Loved Ones. We attack those who are threatening our safety, and thereby simultaneously become deaf to the deeper concerns of those for whom we wish to Care.

*Finally, realize that CONFLICT SILENCES “The SHIFT” … In a nutshell, humanity is teetering on the edge of quite the jagged cliff . We are literally headed to down a broad, cozy, I’m gonna-get-mine-&-bash-anyone-who-gets-in-my-way road that leads to one place and one place only: our eventual extinction.

Our species has only one real chance at ultimately surviving; only one real chance to know real Bliss; only one true chance to stop being a cancer (both to our planet & to each other) and become Caretakers of the Cosmos instead.

And this chance asks – no, this chance DEMANDS – that we have the courage to show Compassion to those who “least deserve” the same; that we have the humility to see the Good that glows beneath the thin crusts of “evil” and its cruelties;

… essentially, that we have the guts to be Kind when least inclined.

Peace-full Transcendence does not come on roads that are easy and comfortable and fun and soft. Powerful growth only comes when a being has the guts to never give up; the guts to do the brave deed; the guts to walk the narrow path … basically, the guts to brave the darkness of self-centered fear by actively championing the Light of selfless Love.

It is not only our personal Happiness at stake here …
Our survival as a species is at stake.

“By killing an enemy, we strengthen habits of aggression that will last far longer than any adversary. The greatest heroes & heroines are not those who fight out of hatred, or are trapped in a bias of right & wrong, but rather are those who resolutely face hardships in order to gain victory over anger, over prejudice and over war.” ~ inspired by Pema Chodron

“Jesus rejected hatred. It was not because he lacked the vitality or the strength to combat it, and it was not because he lacked the incentive. Jesus rejected hatred because he saw that hatred meant death to the mind, death to the spirit, and death to communion with his internal Father. Jesus affirmed life; and hatred was the great denial thereof.” ~ inspired by Howard Thurman

“The wise and regenerated have no need to go to war, nor to engage in strife, nor to cover over their hands with the blood of others. For they are children of Peace who have beat their spears into plowshares … and they know no form of war.” ~ inspired by Menno Simons

Filed under: Licking the Razor's Edge (freedom from hidden addictions) by Scaughdt