Addiction #25 – Conflict (Part 2 … a Way to Freedom) 05/04/12
Addiction #25 – CONFLICT
(Part 2 … a Way to Freedom)
“Peace is neither submissive nor passive. On the contrary, peace is an overwhelming force which comes from within us. It is a solid coalition of spirit and soul standing strong against all abounding unrest.” ~ inspired by C. Joy Bell
Now that we have identified the unique ways that conflict-addiction manifests itself in our lives, it is time to examine the single most powerful way to free yourself from the same.
While the examination of source of our aggression was as convoluted as the nature of conflict itself, the solution to all conflict is as simple as it is effective …
… and that solution is Forgiveness.
A FEW WORDS ON FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is neither forgetting the wrong that has been done to you, nor does it condone the same. Forgiveness is neither a gentle thought about the perpetrator of the wrong, nor is it merely telling that person that they are forgiven.
For it to be truly effective — for Forgiveness to bring transformation to the wrongdoer’s doorstep and Peace into your heart, it must be active and it must be selfless.
First of all, Forgiveness must be given without hope or expectation; without motive or desire. It is not given to change the perpetrator; it is not given to turn that enemy into a friend; it is not given to make the wrongdoer “nicer” or “better” or different in any way. It is even irrelevant whether our Forgiveness is received or honored by the villain in question at all.
To be truly powerful, Forgiveness must be steeped in Caring for the other … It must be given solely to give it.
Forgiveness is given solely from a place of Compassion for the real “victims” in any wrongdoing – namely, the one who has done the wrong; the one who has obviously forgotten who he truly is; the one who is suffering greatly from that forgetting.
The greatest Joy available to we human beings is experienced by those of us who choose to be Kind when least inclined. As such, those who are choosing to be “mean” or “manipulative” or “evil” are those who are actually suffering the most. In essence, they are as spiritually diseased as a cancer patient is physically ill — and we are to allowed to give them an equal share of Compassion.
Secondly, it is crucial to remember that powerful Forgiveness is not a thought felt or a word softly uttered. To be potent and Peace-filled, Forgiveness must be performed actively …
Real, effective, powerful Forgiveness is a verb!
With that in mind, I offer the following three ways that you too can experience the Peace-full Power of pure Forgiveness …
HOW to POWER-FULLY FORGIVE
*WAY #01: FORGIVENESS LISTENS … Conflict immediately ends when one party chooses to empathically listen to the other. He does so without agreeing with what is being said, and he does so without disagreeing with what is being said. He listens merely to listen – merely to honor the True Self of the one doing the speaking; even if those words are hateful and harsh. She does so without defending herself from criticism and without setting up boundaries to attack. She listens merely to listen – merely to remind the speaker gently-yet-persistently that she is not an enemy at all, but rather a long lost Friend who the other has simply forgotten.
When an argument becomes a debate, and a debate then becomes a discussion, and that discussion then becomes a listening, conflict cannot continue to survive.
“Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” ~ Wayne Dyer
*WAY #02: FORGIVENESS DETACHES from conflicts … There is no such thing as a method of conflict that truly “works”. When you “win” an argument, the other does not suddenly agree with you and begin to champion your opinion. Rather, they depart in search of weaker minds who they can similarly defeat.
Even criminals who are prosecuted and “punished justly” will never be truly rehabilitated thereby. They will simply wait for the next opportunity to commit their crimes again – and again – and again.
And they do so not because “that’s just the way they are”, but rather because they have yet to receive the one thing that is missing in their lives – the one thing that was missing in their youth – the one thing that led them to commit their crimes in the first place.
And that one thing was unconditional Love.
Since they didn’t receive it in their earlier years, they are looking for it in their later ones. And since they didn’t learn healthy ways of looking for it then, they are looking for it in unhealthy ways now. They are looking for unconditional Forgiveness, and they will continue to commit crimes until such radical Acceptance is given to them.
Conflict is never a practical solution to any form of perceived wrongdoing. Indeed, conflict is the one choice that actually encourages those ways of pain and dysfunction to continue. As such, because conflict is the primary problem, choosing to courageously remove yourself from conflict is the primary solution. Conflict requires two parties to live, so when one party gracefully retreats, conflict is forced to retreat as well.
So exit all your arguments,
… and quit all your debates,
… and silence all your criticism,
… and drop all your lawsuits.
There are a myriad of truly effective solutions to the challenges presented by your enemies …
Conflict is not one of them.
“Whenever you are in conflict with another, there is one factor that determines whether your relation ship will be damaged or deepened. That factor is attitude.” ~ inspired by William James
*WAY #03: FORGIVENESS CARES … Whether we are mentally condemning the other, emotionally hating them, or verbally attacking them, all of our conflicts are founded in primarily non-active beliefs. And, because our actions are by far more powerful than our thoughts or our emotions or our words, the most powerful way to combat conflict is to silently and actively (and often anonymously) DO GOOD for our enemies.
There is no need to endlessly search your past for the “unmet needs” that are triggering your addiction to conflict. And you don’t have to obtain the help of a judge or a lawyer or a mediator or a therapist or even a friend in order to find Harmony.
To rediscover a Peace-full life, you must simply choose to live Peace-fully.
It is a profound Truth that no fear-filled being will long “bite the hand that feeds” (remembering that even anger is nothing more than crystallized fear).
As such, when you choose to consciously feed you enemies Kindness, they will be forced to either treat you accordingly, or leave you in Peace to seek a victim elsewhere.
Please consider this gently …
Please emulate this courageously.
“Peace is not the absence of conflict, but rather the choice to resolve conflict with peaceful means.” ~ inspired by Ronald Reagan
“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. In such moments, he does not need punishment; he needs help – He does not need your condemnation; he needs your Kindness.” ~ inspired by Thich Nhat Hanh
“We are the Peacemakers we’ve been waiting for.” ~ Jose Arguelles
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