While the last post dealt with an Addiction to distancing ourselves from others during our acts of superficial casual sex, this one deals with what happens when we yearn to get “too close” to our loved ones. This sounds like a contradiction, I know, and yet “love addiction” is a very common craving, and it is one that severely limits our ability to ever know the brilliant Bliss that true LOVE brings to our lives.

WHAT IS “LOVE ADDICTION”?

Whether labeled as “dysfunctional” or “codependent” or “infatuation” or “needy”, an addiction to “love” exists when one or both partners in a relationship start to desire to be cared for more than they desire to actively Care; when they feel like they cannot live a full life without the presence of their beloved; &/or when they either feel an almost compelling desire to have their partner around them most (if not all) of the time, or they find themselves running from that same closeness.

This addiction is also identified by feelings of dizzying euphoria (when the partner is doting on the addict or is being overtly “romantic”), jealousy (when the partner is sharing time with a third person or persons), and resentment (when the partner is “neglecting” the desires of the addict by not giving him/her “enough attention” or his/her “fair share” of tenderness) for the partner who is yearning for “love” — or annoyance, fatigue and fear in the partner who is shielding him or herself from the same.

Now, this non-functioning relationship is quite common, and most of you are currently experiencing its effects to one degree of another, and yet this does not mean that your relationships are “bad” in any way — there are no such judgments placed on any of the addictions in these posts. Romantic acts can indeed be sincere expressions of Caring (and of course it feels wonderful to be loved by another in this way), and having your “me time” is indeed a healthy way to reconnect to a sense of Oneness and Inner Peace.

AND YET, when a beloved starts to either YEARN for love or to YEAR to be “left alone” – when he or she feels neglected when such caring gestures are not provided &/or feels “put upon” when the same acts are demanded, then an addiction has indeed taken hold – an addiction that will, unless it is cleansed and released, eventually destroy the Loving intimacy of that relationship.

While the existence of such a dysfunction does not mean that the couple is “wrong” for each other, it DOES mean is that one or both members in the relationship has lost focus on what it truly means to be in a Loving Partnership.

Essentially, they have both forgotten what it means to LOVE.

“LOVE ADDICTION” IS EXTREMELY COMMON

“Love addiction” is BIOLOGICAL … Our bodies are physiologically designed to procreate. As such, we are subconsciously driven to seek and bond with partners in order to mate and further the survival of our species. This is all fine & good, of course, and yet the way our bodies encourage us to do this is so powerful that it often leads us to becoming addicted to love. Whenever a “good match” is encountered, chemicals begin coursing through our bodies that encourage us to pursue this potential mate at all costs. And when that union is consummated, that cocktail of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and adrenaline keeps us literally “stoned” on love for up to 18 months* – a hormone high that becomes is very addictive indeed.

*As soon as these post-sexual union, “in love” hormones fade (usually after around 6 months of togetherness), they are replaced by a surge in endorphins, hormones that give the pair a “best friend” feeling whenever they are together. These endorphins are produced for up to seven years after the consummation of the relationship. It is interesting to note that the average length of any marriage is … seven years.

“Love addiction” is PSYCHOLOGICAL … Humans are “herd animals”; social beings programmed to join together in like-minded groups in order to survive and thrive. As a consequence, over time we have developed very powerful subconscious “programs” in the most primitive portions of our brains – a set of drives & inclinations designed to encourage us to survive at all costs, and to do so by forming “stable” bonds with others. As such, we all subconsciously yearn to be loved, we all subconsciously yearn to please others, and we all subconsciously yearn to form “permanent unions” with others in order to make our lives “safer” and “more successful”. And, whenever we choose to heed these self-serving and fear-based inclinations, we logically engage relationships that are dysfunctional and needy. And in this way, too, we become addicted to “love”.

“Love addiction” is CULTURAL … Now that we understand that both our bodies and our minds are patently “dysfunctional”, it can be no surprise to realize that the cultures that those bodies and minds have created are equally unhealthy. Indeed, with the exception of a very few tribal cultures, human societies have been developed in such a way as to actually encourage us to addictively attach to others around us. Films and novels, of course, are the most obvious perpetrators – shamelessly propagating the insidious myth that Love is fundamentally romantic and blatantly “needy”. And yet, the most powerful “culprit” in the spread of this deep-seated dis-ease is the basic family-dynamic. Dysfunction if our relationships is not only biologically programmed, it is also a learned behavior, stemming from any situation where children are raised in an environment with rules in place that hinder personal development. And, because most families are anything but “perfect” or “enlightened”, it makes sense that children would learn dysfunctional ways of dealing with their stunted personal growth. These are the families where it is not acceptable to talk about worries or desires or problems, where feelings are not expressed openly, where communication is indirect at best (where concerns are relayed to another either passive-aggressively or by a third party), where children are strongly encouraged to be almost always successful or right or good, where play & frivolous behavior is discouraged, and/or where children are told to “do as I say not as I do”. In essence, this is almost every family in the modern world today.

In essence, almost every one of us is innately “dysfunctional” in this way …

In essence, almost every one of us is addicted to love.

“The point that I am making is that our understanding of codependence has evolved to realizing that this is not just about SOME dysfunctional families … Our very role models, our prototypes, tend to be dysfunctional themselves. All of our traditional cultural concepts of what a man is, and what a woman is, are twisted, distorted, almost comically bloated stereotypes of what masculine and feminine truly are.” ~ Robert Burney

THE CONSEQUENCES OF BEING ADDICTED

This is a very powerful addiction and as such it has some very serious consequences. We are not merely talking about “broken hearts” and mild discontent here. Unresolved patterns of dysfunctional relationships lead to the development of other addictions to mask its pains & discontents (e.g. alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorders, sex addiction, etc).

EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY, we are talking about the loss of the greatest Gift given to all humankind – the Bliss that comes from truly, deeply and unconditionally LOVING another being.

As long as we are mired in our “love addiction”, our ability to LOVE will remain essentially impotent, and our ability to experience a sincerely Meaning-full life will be clouded as well.

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ~ Anias Nin

HOW TO TELL WHERE YOU ARE ADDICTED

The first step towards removing any addiction in your life is having the humility to take a step back and recognize that addiction. To help you do so, I am going to pose a few questions for you …

While answering them, please remember when you do so that facing your addictions is not about judging yourself as “bad” or “broken”. Rather, it is about having the courage to identify where you are keeping your True Self from blossoming forth, which is the first step on the Path t setting that True Self free.

Almost every single person I have ever met (including myself) is a “love addict” to one degree or another. This doesn’t make us “inferior” or “weak”. It simply is the way we have been programmed. And yet, because we are conscious beings, we are allowed to change those programs; to replace them with behaviors that bring us Joy instead of sadness, and Peace instead of pain.

So, on with the questions … Please consider the following:

*Do you feel like you are doing “more than your fair share” in the relationship? Do you see a clear lack of balance between how much you are giving and how much you are receiving?

*Do you feel like your partner controls your life, or maybe you feel that your partner must follow certain rules to “show their love” for you?

*Do you change your own beliefs for sacrifice your own values for the relationship, or maybe you encourage the same from your partner?

*Do you feel anxious whenever apart from your partner, or maybe you feel anxious about returning to him/her after a separation?

*Are you afraid of bring hurt by your partner, or maybe you less-than-forthrightly “walk on eggshells” to keep from hurting them?

*Do you believe in establishing “healthy boundaries” for your relationship, and do you strive to establish the same?

*Do you argue with your partner more than a few times a month? Are disagreements respectful between you when they do occur?

*Do you criticize your partner’s actions, or does he/she criticize you, more than once a month?

*Do you ever feel pressures to be physically intimate with your partner?

*Do you and your partner ever “act lovingly” in public when we actually are not getting along?

*Do you complain about your partner’s failings to your friends?

*Do you find yourself regularly yearning for the presence of your Beloved, or maybe regularly avoiding the same (instead of simply enjoying who you with, where you already are)?

*Are you regularly concerned about not pleasing your partner enough, about not being “good enough” for him/her, &/or about “making him/her happy”?

*Do you crave appreciation, or maybe withhold expressions of the same? Do you fish for compliments, or say “I love you” just to hear it said back to you?

*Do you feel taken for granted or under-appreciated?

*Do you feel pressured to Love or annoyed with your partner’s neediness?

*Do you get angry or frustrated with your partner more than once a week?

*Do you engage in passive-aggressive behaviors with your partner (e.g. scathing sarcasm, vague communication, regularly being late &/or forgetting to do things, conveniently forgetting past agreements or discussions, creating chaos, making excuses or rationalizing disrespectful behaviors, sulking, blaming your partner for your own failings/unhappiness, silently resenting the other’s requests, complaining about being taken for granted, refusing to compromise or agree, becoming cynical about your relationship, masking your hostility with humor, etc)?

*Do you regularly crave physical intimacy? Do you regularly withdraw from physical gentleness?

*Do you provoke arguments? Do you regularly go out of your way to avoid conflict?

*Do you replace intimacy in your relationship with gift-giving?

*Do you abandon your own hobbies, interests or friends for your partner, or do you immerse yourself in your own hobbies, interest of friends to the detriment of relationship?

*Do you want to be taken care of by your partner? Do you fear being forced to do so?

*Do you receive criticism &/or unsolicited advice from your partner more than once a month? Do you give the same to your partner more than once a month?

*Can you identify five things that are missing from your relationship more quickly than five blessings it brings you? (a.k.a. Do you feel like your needs are not being met?)

The questions where you answered in the affirmative are the areas in your relationship where “love addiction” has taken root; areas where your fears have taken precedence over your LOVE; indeed, where your partner’s LOVE can no longer be received and where your LOVE can no longer be given.

These are the “weeds” in your Heart’s “garden”, and true LOVE will not be able to bloom in your life until these area have been “weeded” and replanted with thoughts that are Caring & actions that are Kind.

The next post will explain how to do so in more detail, and yet it is enough for you to remember the one Founding Truth of LOVE:

As long as you are focusing on what your partner is not giving you, you cannot hope to Give to your partner. And until you choose to Give to your partner, you will never experience true LOVE yourself.

“Among the blessings of Love there is hardly one more exquisite than the sense that in uniting the Beloved life to ours we can watch over her happiness, bring comfort where hardship once was, and upon the memories of her suffering open the sweetest fountains of Joy.” ~ inspired by George Eliot