I guess I need to start out this post by stating that I fully understand that most of you are going to either continue to engage in sexual intercourse &/or are going to continue to wish you were engaging in it … This is fine by me. I do not believe that sex itself is “bad” or “wrong” in any way.

Please realize that I am not here to berate you or criticize you or try to change who you are. To the contrary, these posts on Addiction are actually designed to make it easier for you to rediscover your True Self – by simply informing you of the very real consequences of any & all of your self-destructive choices. It is not my goal to persuade; but rather to give you each the information needed to make decisions in the future that are as well-informed as they are consciously Caring.

Smoking cigarettes isn’t “bad”, and yet it DOES kill not only the smoker, but the ones the smoker loves as well … Eating animals isn’t “bad”, and yet doing so IS a direct violation of those beings’ very real Right to Live – a Right every bit as viable as your own … Drinking coffee & eating processed sugar aren’t “bad”, and yet they DO shift your body into a state of “fight or flight” – a state where fear rules the day, and Love is difficult to deeply feel and almost impossible to purely share.

Similarly, casual sex between two consenting adults is not “bad” either. Indeed, sexual union is the very source of each of our lives – it is the very means that our “self” came into existence. So to label it “wrong” is to label life itself as incorrect.

And yet, sex DOES carry with it the severe consequences that I mentioned in my previous post. And if you are interested in avoiding these consequences, I will now share a few practical tips that can help you to do so …

TURNING SEX INTO LOVE-MAKING

As long as one or both parties involved in an act of sexual intercourse are doing so solely for their own personal benefit (pleasure or power or even punishment), then the encounter will – without a shadow of a doubt — damage both parties. On the other hand, when both parties choose to make sexual intercourse an expression of affection that is sincere and Caring and conscious, the harms of casual sex disappear and are replaced by deep-seated feelings of Peace and Joy.

In everything we do, it is the “why” behind the “what” that matters. And nowhere is this more true than when speaking about sex …

So how do you do this? How do we make our sex into Love-Making?

TIP #01 – CHOOSE TO LOVE … This one sounds a bit ridiculous at first, and yet it is by far the most important tip of all. Indeed, if you can get this one down, than all those that follow become essentially irrelevant. It is imperative that you choose to LOVE your partner* – period. Note that I did not say “feel Love FOR your partner”. I said choose to actively and consciously extend Love TO your partner. And all that is required to do so is to affirm to yourself consciously before having sex that you are going to do so solely for the benefit of your Beloved. You know, of course, that you will feel pleasure as well, and yet you remind yourself that your own pleasure is NOT why you are having sex. Even if you are feeling extremely desirous of your partner, be sure to take just one second to remember what sex is truly all about.

*Some of us do not have sexual partners at the moment (and a few of us never will), and yet that does not stop most of us from experiencing the pleasures of sexual release. Most studies show that over 96% of all men and around 90% of all women masturbate regularly. Even though doing so is not nearly as psychologically detrimental as an actual act of causal sexual intercourse, having degrading or lustful thoughts while masturbating does indeed bring with it the consequences of emotional numbness. As such, if you choose to engage this option, it is worth it to Purpose-fully engage a fantasy that is Loving & Kind & respect-full.

TIP #02 – RETURN TO THE MOMENT … No matter how intense sex gets, it is always possible to pause for a few seconds and remember where you are and with whom you are sharing yourself.

TIP #03 – SLOW DOWN … I realize that we are all programmed to want “a good romp” every now and then (some of us a bit more often than that), and yet making the transition from the casual sex that is damaging your sense of Inner Peace to the Love-Making that will have that Peace return to you requires that you be fully aware of who you are with at the time. Human consciousness is by nature scattered and fleeting – we tend to perform most of our actions on some level of “auto-pilot”, and when we do choose to focus on anything, it is very difficult for us to maintain that focus before then being tempted to refocus elsewhere. As such, it is necessary during Love-Making (especially when things get a bit “rambunctious”) to regularly & purposefully slow down any act in order to be fully conscious of it.

TIP #04 – MAKE EYE-CONTACT … Sexual intercourse is by its very nature an incredibly intimate and deeply vulnerable act. It is the closest we can ever hope to come to experiencing a physical Oneness with our surroundings, and it is one of the most powerful ways that we can hope to truly Connect with a fellow Human Being. It has been said the eyes are windows to our Souls. Regardless of how you feel about this particular statement, there is little doubt that the intimacy of any encounter is dramatically enhanced through prolonged eye-contact. And seeing as how having the courage to open-up to intimacy is a pre-requisite for experiencing deep-seated, unconditional LOVE, eye-contact becomes a powerful method to help you & your partner arrive at that state of Bliss-full union.

TIP #05 – COMMUNICATE … Eye-contact counts as communication, of course, and yet humans are verbal creatures. As such, couples who speak openly to each other about their Loving intentions before they have intercourse are far more likely to be able to maintain a Loving focus during their sexual union (and thereby experience the Bliss that only comes to those who choose to Make-Love). Communicating care-fully during intercourse is also recommended.

TIP #06 – CUDDLE CUDDLE CUDDLE … This one is pretty straightforward: if you are not ready & willing to hold your partner close after having sex with him or her, then it is probably better that you do not have sex at all. As I mentioned in the previous post on this topic, both men and women have strong physiological drives to bond emotionally with their partners after intercourse. They might successfully dampen these feelings by repressing them or coating them alcohol or drug use, and yet those feelings remain, And to deny their expression after sexual union creates a deep wound in the psyche of both parties – a wound that adds greater and greater distance between the self and all others over time. Yes, there is the primitive, animalian drive to “survive & procreate” in all humans. And yet, we are so much more than mere “animals”! We also have desires that run much, much deeper – the desire to Care for others; the desire to bring others Joy; essentially, the desire to intimately experience the Oneness of real Love. So do what you wish with whomever you wish – just be sure to cuddle up when you are done.

TIP #07 – LIMIT YOUR FREQUENCY … The less we have sexual intercourse, the more special an act it remains, and the easier it is to turn it into an act of Love-Making. As I mentioned in my previous post on casual sex, intercourse is highly addictive, leading us to physiologically crave more & more of it over time in order to get the same “high”. Purpose-fully delaying that gratification is a very effective way to keep the act extremely pleasurable, and a most effective way to keep it Sacred as well.

TIP #08 – LIMIT YOUR ORGASMS … Intentionally and consciously choosing to Make-Love without climaxing is a powerful way to remain conscious of the experience and Care-full of your partner. Ironically, it will also make not only subsequent orgasm more powerful, but actually intensifies the pleasure of the sexual union as well. Most importantly, of course, doing so is an effective way to transform your sex into Love-Making.

TIP #09 – ABSTAIN … While not for many of you, this option is an incredibly powerful way to avoid the dangers and harms of engaging in casual sex. Abstinence not only protects you from the physical concerns of STD’s and unwanted pregnancy, it turns out that removing sexual intercourse entirely from your life deepens the quality of your encounters with strangers and friends alike. It also dramatically boosts physical energy-levels, radically enhances mental clarity, brings emotional calm, and intimately reconnects one with “the Divine” (a sense of Oneness with the Universe – what some call “God”). During my own periods of extended abstinence, I have personally experienced all of these benefits, and it is reported that Leonardo da Vinci attributed at least some of his own success to the same.

If this option is one you would like to try, it will be very helpful to “befriend your ego” while doing so. Aside from issues of safety & survival, there drive to have sex is the ego’s strongest yearning. As such, demanding or vowing to abstain is almost destined to fail. No matter what tactics you use to deal with any of your addictions, fighting the ego forcefully never brings lasting results. The ego is the source of all your addictive urges, and whenever it feels threatened in any way, it simply recedes to the back of your mind, quietly gets stronger while you think you have “made progress”, and then bursts forth at a later date twice as strong as it was before.

Fortunately, there is a readily available alternative to dealing with your ego – a method that is extremely effective, and that only involves three simple steps:

Step 01) ACKNOWLEDGE the Ego – Recognize your sexual desire in the moment you first notice it, and recognize where that urge comes from – your ego’s fears – its fear of being alone, its fear of being unloved, its fear of dying out forever. In essence, it believes either that you don’t have enough “love” in your life to keep you happy, or that you don’t have enough “power” in your life to keep you safe.

Step 02) CONSOLE the Ego – have the wherewithal to thank your ego sincerely for all it has done in your past (especially your infancy and your childhood) to keep you safe. Without its fearful vigilance in your youth, you might indeed have died.

Admittedly, the ego’s efforts now that you are an adult are harming you tremendously, but the ego doesn’t understand this … It really is doing the best it can to take care of you, even though you are now old enough to actually Care for yourSelf.

So be gentle and reassure it that you are not going to stop having casual sex forever – just for this one moment; that you are not going to quit lusting forever – just for today. Doing so will allow your ego to relax long enough for you to engage the all-important …

Step 03) TRANSCEND the Ego – by immediately going forth (while you are still desiring to have sex) and Being Kind to another. Do something – anything, it doesn’t matter what – that is solely designed to bring another person Peace or Joy.

For as long as you do so, you will be completely urge-free, and at least in these moments, you are no longer addicted. Please note that the first letters of these three steps spell “ACT”, and this is no accident. It is not enough to think about being Kind, and it is not enough to “beam” Kind emotions to another. In order to alter your habits and release your self-destructive addictions, you will have to get up and go DO something. Even if it is just for one moment and even if the deed is a “small one”, you will have to have the courage to actually to BE the change you wish to see.

And, if you can manage to perform these 3 Steps just one time, then all that will remain to conquer your addiction is for you to simply live on joyfully until the next desire to have casual sex returns — and then to engage the same 3 Steps again (& again & again & again). The more often you do so, the easier it will become to follow your conscience instead of your instincts, to hear the Call of your True Self over that of your ego, and to show others your Love as opposed to your lust.

“I Love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I Love you in this way because I do not know any other way of Loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” ~ Pablo Neruda