“As soon as a love relationship does not lead me to me, or as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true Love. For real Love is dedicated to our continual Becoming.” ~ Leo Buscaglia

First of all, as I only indirectly mentioned in the first post on this topic, there are two kinds of “Love Addicts” – the more common “Affection Addict” who clings too tightly to their beloved, and the less obvious “Avoidance Addict” who repeatedly pushes their beloved away. And it is important to realize that even though these two behaviors seem to form two very different addictions, they are actually both founded in the same aversion, namely, a fear of real Intimacy. While the “Affection Addict” is primarily concerned with receiving love for themselves from their partner, and whereas the “Avoidance Addict” is primarily concerned with receiving love from themselves – both addictions are actually addictions that push real Love away. Both are based in selfish intentions, and both share the same primary consequence: the loss of the ability to Give real LOVE — and thereby the loss of the ability to experience the same.

So, once we recognize that we are engaging in one of these two facets of Love Addiction, the question becomes: what can we do to free ourselves from its clutches? Regardless of whether we are chasing our partner or running from away from them, what can we do to return to Love?

The “experts” have lots of advice on this subject, of course. They tell “Affection Addicts” to take care of themselves better; to separate from their beloved and spend more time meeting their own needs; to invest more of their energy in hobbies or friends instead of solely on their partner. And they tell “Avoidance Addicts” to go out of their way to “give in” and compromise with the needs of their beloved; to spend time with her/him even if they don’t want to do so; to sacrifice their own happiness for the “good of the relationship”.

Of course, none of these options addresses the underlying cause of Love Addiction. In fact, all of these alternatives actually serve to make one’s Love Addiction even stronger!

A wise Friend of mine once said that the only way to break any pattern of behavior was simply to consciously choose a different action at any one of its stages. This seems pretty simple and it makes a lot of sense. Of course what a lot of folks don’t realize is that, for an action to be truly different, it has to come from a different place in our Hearts – it has to have a different intention – it has to have a completely different goal. Love Addicts have only one thing in mind when in the throes of their addiction – furthering their own best interests. That is why Affection Addicts demand “love” from their partners, and that is why Avoidance Addicts run from those attempts.

As such, it is not enough for either of them merely to engage in actions that look different on the outside if their motives are still self-centered. The Affection Addict that is clinging to a hobby instead of her partner is still clinging, and the Avoidance Addict that superficially runs towards his partner instead of running away from her is still running. The actions have changed in both case, and yet the intentions behind those actions are still selfish. As such, nothing will truly change in the relationship, and their Intimacy will continue to slowly die.

So what’s the Solution?

LOVE ADDICTION: A POWER-FULL SOLUTION

LOVE is not about avoiding arguments so that you will have more “peace & quiet” … It is about saying Kind things to your partner, so that he/she will feel Loved.

LOVE is not about making compromises so that you can either get your partner “off your back” or lure them back to you … It is about WANTING to do nice things for him/her, regardless of how he/she responds.

LOVE is not about “having fun” together so that your partner will either come closer to you or quit nagging you … It is about sharing time Together because you choose to WANT TO do so.

In essence, if you are an Affection Addict, you have to set your partner free – not to have them fly back into your cage, but simply because you LOVE them and what them to be happy – no matter what.

And if you are an Avoidance Addict, you have to set your True Self free – a True Self that wants nothing more than to go to your partner (no matter how “clingy” they are being) and simple show them LOVE – no matter what.

This is the only way to break your pattern of dysfunction without breaking up.

This is the only way to break your Love Addiction without breaking your Self.

“Happiness can only be achieved by looking inward & learning to enjoy whatever life has given you, and this requires purposefully choosing to transform your greed into gratitude – to transform your taking into giving – to transform your fear into Love.” ~ inspired by John Chrysostom