Ch 14 – My Darkest Night … (04/12/11 – day 3, part 4)
Inspired by the epiphanies I had experienced earlier in the afternoon, I was now blessed with yet another: the overwhelming realization that my Pilgrimage was not only a potent venue of selfless service for those folks I met along the way, but was also an act of penance for my recent past – an opportunity to go within and atone; to forgive myself for not deeply appreciating all that I have been given in life; to recognize and forgive myself for all those times when I chose not to cherish others. This realization had my pace slow to a crawl as I allowed myself to relive these mistakes – to not only admit that they had occurred, but also to feel how they had caused others so much pain. And as the tears of raw empathy for the victims of my past callousness began to fall, I vowed to never make again such an error … I remembered that this life is passing us all by so swiftly – that every moment that passes is yet another moment never again to be reclaimed. Our time is so limited, and our relationships therein so precious. I solemnly swore at that moment to honor the time I had left by honoring those others with whom I was blessed to share my days. In the time I had left, I would Love “all-out” …
Of course, there was a third major facet of my Pilgrimage: dealing with external, tangible difficulties – the environmental hardships one encounters when walking many hundreds of miles “on faith”.
Earlier that evening I had pulled the following “random” quote from my bag – a foreshadowing of what was soon to come:
“Concerning challenge: ask not that there be no trials in life,
for when one is never tested, one’s actions will be irresolute.
And when one’s actions are irresolute,
one is easily led into believing the myth of achievement.” ~ unknown
The physical challenges of walking any Pilgrimage are many, and mine – in order, from the most challenging to the least – were as follows: lack of sleep, physical pain (primarily my feet & ankles), the cold at night, desolation (a regular lack of contact with others), the lack of regular sustenance, the heat during the day, the traffic on the roads (the lack of a clear walking path), the callousness of others, aggressive dogs, and the lack of drinking water.
Even though the lack of sleep was far & away the greatest challenge I faced, and the lack of water far and away the least of my worries, all of the afore-mentioned combined to be my regular “un-doing” on this Walk – all of them playing significant roles in allowing me to confront and then transcend many of the fears I had been carrying within me since my childhood.
It was surprising to me that sleep-deprivation turned out to be my “#1 difficulty”, and yet I can honestly say that there were many times when I would have traded the best meal and the warmest clothes for just 15 minutes of deep rest.
The intense physical pain with which I lived (and through which I walked) was similarly astounding. I had assumed that a relatively fit, long-legged ex-athlete would have no trouble at all walking 25 miles per day. I was wrong. Though most of my body had little trouble with the long distances covered, my ankles and feet both made it quickly clear each day that they wanted no part of such an adventure. Of course, it didn’t help matters that I was wearing shoes ill-suited to my feet.
That the cold made my “top three” was also perplexing. After all, I was walking in the deep South in the springtime, right? Still, the first two weeks of the Walk regularly exposed me to temperatures in the low 40’s (without a jacket) – something my body simply has never enjoyed — and never got used to.
That “desolation” made my list at all was also a shocker, seeing as how I had willingly & joyfully spent the last five years of my life “alone”. And yet I came to realize that, while I had indeed often been happily “alone” in the traditional sense of the word, I had always been surrounded by my greatest Love: humanity. And on this Pilgrimage – for many, many of its miles – my greatest Love was nowhere to be seen; I often went long stretches of time and space without coming into contact with any other people at all. And I missed this contact terribly.
Finally, I was amazed at the number of times I was almost forced to “dodge traffic”. Highway 41 often provided no suitable shoulders upon which to walk, requiring me to wait until cars passed by to then walk on the road itself – only to then be sent to the shoulder once more to stand to the side as additional cars appeared. Not only was this hard on a psyche that wanted to “proceed” more smoothly, it actually was extra-painful for my already aching feet.
On this particular night, the darkest night of my entire Walk (if not my entire life), all of these challenges joined forces to send me to the brink of utter defeat.
It started as night melted over me – its darkness covering me in isolation and its cold setting my bones to shivering. I had entered another section of highway that was bordered by relatively steep, extremely uneven and thin shoulders. My feet were hurting quite a bit at this point (I didn’t know it at the time, but large blood blisters had already formed underneath the calluses on the soles of both feet). As such, there was no way to walk effectively on the uneven sod on the side of the road — It was necessary to walk on the highway itself. And yet there was traffic – lots of traffic.
So I resorted to hours and hours of “playing Frogger” (does anyone remember that video game?) – where I would wait for cars to pass by, then hop up onto the road and walk as fast as I could until the next car approached, when I would step to the shoulder again and wait for my next chance to repeat the process. Not only was this tactic very hard on my feet and ankles, it was also very hard on my psychological stage of mind. I mean, I was ready to be done with this torture even before it started – and yet was forced instead to endure it for hours upon hours upon hours. There were a few driveways where I could have taken temporary shelter, and yet very few of them. It was primarily me, the road, the traffic and walls of tall trees to each side of the road – hemming me in; herding me onward into the night.
It was also dark and cold, which prompted two different police officers to stop me during my stroll. Both were amazed when I told them what I was undertaking, and both were equally concerned for my safety. And yet, neither demanded that I stop – both of them actually wished me Godspeed on my Way and left me to continue.
I was hungry again as well, and yet this was truly the least of my concerns. Indeed, the demon that is sleep-deprivation chose this point to rear its scaly head, turn its fanged maw upon me, and attack with a ferociousness not yet known. My steps faltered and I began to weave as I walked. I couldn’t see clearly and was having trouble keeping my eyes open. I would have given almost anything at that point for somewhere to lay my head – even for just a few minutes. And yet, even if such a miracle had occurred, it was simply too cold to sleep. I was, in one of the few times of this lifetime, truly at the mercy of my surroundings – and my surroundings were not proving to be very friendly.
To make matters even more perilous, even though it must have two or three in the morning, the heavy traffic persisted. Here, literally “in the middle of nowhere”, there were hundreds of people driving down Georgia Highway 41 – going in both directions, on a weeknight! Who were these people?!?! Where were they going?!?! Couldn’t they just go home and go to bed?!?! Couldn’t they just let me walk on the road for more than a few steps at a time?!?! I tried yelling these encouragements to them as they passed by, but to no avail. The cars continued to come … and I continued to lose my mind.
It was at this time that I sought assistance from God – the same “God” I described in the fourth Blog-entry from the first day of the Walk (entitled “Chatting with God). Frankly, I was desperate at this point, and needed any guidance I could get as to what I should do. And it was at this point that something happened that had never happened before …
… my internal “God” failed me.
I asked what I should do, and was initially “told” to head off-road, through a field, to a well-lit farmhouse on the horizon. I did so, somewhat unstably, and was immediately almost run over by a speeding car! I then walked towards that house for a few hundred yards and asked again, whereupon I was “told” to go back to the road. This made no sense, so I asked again – and again – and again. Each time I did so I received a different “command”; each time telling me to disregard the previous message I had received.
I had lost contact with “God”.
The pilgrimage, as far as I was concerned, was over at that point. I simply could not imagine being able to finish out the night, much less walk another 700+/- miles to southern Florida.
I was going to have to quit after only three days …
… I had failed.
As far as what happened next is concerned, I don’t know why it happened, and I have no idea what inspired me to do what I did, and yet I did it.
I took a deep breath, I raised my head to the heavens … and I screamed at God. I made it very clear that I was never going to quit; that I had started this Pilgrimage to serve Humanity, and that I was going to keep walking until I either arrived in Pompano Beach or I died.
And this was no hollow oath. I felt worse at that point than I ever had in my life. Emotionally and psychologically, I was already at death’s door.
And yet still, I chose to go on.
And it was then that something truly miraculous happened.
God found me …
A gentle cascade of Warmth seemed to wash over me from all around, and a sense of Calm welled up from within me. I was no longer tired … I was no longer cold … I was no longer hungry …… and the traffic ceased.
I walked the rest of that night without any more trauma, smoothly sauntering down the highway – marveling at the pure beauty of the landscape and the starry sky … so thankful to be alive.
I did indeed experience greater physical pain later in the Pilgrimage, and I knew greater emotional crisis at one point later as well. And yet I never again considered quitting. I never again lost Faith in the Power of Love to literally see me through. The “random” quote I pulled said it so well:
“Those who sat in darkness have seen a Great light.
For those who sat in the region of death, Light has dawned.”
~ Jesus Christ (Matthew 4:16)
As I look back upon that night, I see now that my internal “God” had not failed me at all. It had merely led my ego to crumble – It had encouraged me to let everything go and turn in raw humility to the One – It had stripped me of what little pride I had left that night – It had made it possible for me to affirm my deepest desire to give my life for the Walk; to give my entire life for others …
And in doing so, I had rediscovered that I am indeed a Child of God.
I had rediscovered that there is indeed a Presence that surrounds us and permeates us all — a Presence that binds us as One.
I had rediscovered that this Presence is Love itself — that it is always everywhere and always in everything — and that it responds to Love with Love.
In doing so, my “God” had led me back to GOD.
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