December 03 – Unconditional Repentance: Sit down and write down five (5) of your past actions that harmed someone else (with physical pain, intellectual confusion &/or emotional sadness/fear) … Now write a letter forgiving yourself for those transgressions. Mail that letter to yourself – today!

…………………………………..

This one felt really good, actually.

Before I started, it didn’t seem like that big of a deal for me, as I had already forgiven myself for all my major “sins” (“sin” simply means “to miss the mark” or “to neglect to show one’s caring True Self”). And yet, there was something powerful about putting it all in print, and something equally powerful about actually mailing that letter to myself. I seemed to fill with warmth when the lady at the post office quipped “This one’s not going that far” (It’s only about 10 miles from Trenton to Wildwood) 😉 …

Before you read the text of my letter, I’d like to note a few things of import. First of all, the actual names of the “victims” of my past self-fixations (which covers everything from the well-intended “knowing what’s better for them” all the way to good old-fashioned selfishness) have been purposefully deleted from the text (and replaced with the letters A through F). Some of you will be able to figure out who one or more of them are, and that is fine by me. I recognize these mistakes, and am no longer ashamed of them. Indeed, I am thankful for my awareness of them, because I intend to never repeat them again.

Secondly, note that I do not say “I forgive you” in the text, but rather “you are forgiven”. This is an extremely important distinction. The former entrenches the illusion that we have the ability to effectively forgive another (including ourselves) for our “poor choices”. In fact, attempting to do so is actually perceived by the wrongdoer as a negative judgment of their person – which entrenches the very sense of low self-esteem that inspired their “poor choice” in the first place. The only forgiveness that has any potency whatsoever is the forgiveness that comes from the person who refuses to critically judge the other’s behaviors, but rather realizes that “wrongdoers” are always forgiven – that the conscience within each of us recognizes only Oneness and thereby cannot forgive anyone or anything. As such, we are not to denounce our past mistakes (and thereby indirectly encourage ourselves or others to repeat them). Rather, we are to let them go and soothe their discord by replacing them with actions that are kind – right here, right now, one moment at a time.

Thirdly, this is by no means a complete list of all the actions from my past that have harmed another. They are simply my “top 5” (top 6, actually). Like so many of us, I too have gossiped about others behind their backs, I too have become irritated &/or angry with others, I too have “turned a cold shoulder” on friends and lovers, I too have sought to combat and vanquish my enemies as opposed to sending them the Compassion they so clearly merit.  I forgive myself for those “smaller sins” as well. And yet today’s task is not to soak in the tepid morass of all our past failings, but rather is intended to liberate each of us from the thick coat of subconscious shame & guilt & embarrassment related to our major transgressions; a psycho-emotional sludge that subtly-yet-surely affects every unconscious & half-conscious choice we make.

Fourthly, when we forgive ourselves for past transgressions, we are not condoning those behaviors – we are not saying “what I did is now OK”. We are recognizing that even though knowingly causing others pain is not OK, we still Love ourselves. We still feel the pain that we caused, and yet we also choose to feel the Caring warmth within us that is waiting to blossom forth in our next Good Deed. Because only by recognizing all that is “right” within us can we hope to go forth into our next moment and actualize the same.

Finally, this exercise is not meant to supplant the courageous kindness that blossoms when we choose to directly apologize to those we have harmed. I have already done so sincerely (and in some case repeatedly) to everyone of the six “major players” in the letter that follows. A few of them have yet to accept my apology, and yet that is not the purpose behind apologizing. Apologizing to others is simply the humble recognition of an error that we intend to never repeat, juts as it is an opportunity for the other to accept that forgiveness and let the relationship blossom anew. It is their right to reject this amazing gift, and yet their potential rejection does not preclude us from offering it nonetheless.

So, without further ado, here is the letter I sent to my ego-self today … May it somehow illumine your own internal relationship between ego & conscience; as well as your external relationships between self & others.

………………………..

“Dear Scott (my ego’s given name), December 03, 2010

I am writing this letter to forgive you for your life’s 5 major transgressions – those times when you have both consciously & intensely harmed others while striving to fulfill what you thought was “better” or “best” (either for another or for yourself).

First of all, you are forgiven for harming A back in 1997. Note that others would incorrectly try to forgive you for “leaving her” in 2000, and yet we both know that you didn’t leave her at all. You set her free to find the life she wanted to lead (after first striving for many months to “fix the relationship”). In 1997, however, you rejected who she was choosing to be. You wanted her to be “healthier” and “kinder” and “more open-minded”. How unhealthy and unkind and close-minded of you! In essence, instead of loving her unconditionally, you wanted her to change and become the “better woman” that you desired. This hurt her deeply. You have learned from this callousness, and you are forgiven.

Secondly, you are forgiven for harming B back in 2002. Note that others would incorrectly try to forgive you for “leaving him” in 2003, and yet we both know that you didn’t leave him at all. Your presence was generating an intense mass of discord in his life which was obviously causing him immense pain, and you chose to leave Germany not to satisfy any personal desires, but rather to lessen his pain. In 2002, however, you made a relationship with a young woman your top priority, which often led you to neglect or miss out on opportunities to really BE with him; to truly Care for him. Children can purely sense such emotional distance, and he was hurt deeply as a result. You have learned from this callousness, and you are forgiven.

Thirdly, you are forgiven for harming C back in the latter part of 2004. Note that others would incorrectly try to forgive you for “betraying him” in the beginning of that year, and yet we both know that you didn’t do so at all. Your actions in early & mid-2004, while somewhat arrogant and clearly misguided, were truly designed to bring him peace. They backfired, yes, and yet no one ever needs to be forgiven for sincerely kind deeds that go awry. In that year’s latter months, however, you knew your actions were causing him pain, and yet you persisted in your errant ways. You thought you “knew better”; what he needed to “grow as a person”. This hurt him deeply. You have learned from this callousness, and you are forgiven.

Fourthly, you are forgiven for harming D back in 2007. Note that others would incorrectly try to forgive you for “denying his friendship” in the years since then, and yet we both know that you haven’t ever denied his friendship. You have merely been honoring his choice to not be your friend. True friendship does not seek to criticize or correct or even “help” another. True friendship supports the other unconditionally, while always ready to offer assistance if it is requested. Since 2007, you have done very well indeed in being D’s true friend in this way. And yet, during the year of 2007, there were countless opportunities presented to you to courageously extend intimate kindness to him; opportunities which, out of fear of his rejection of them, you neglected. This hurt him deeply. You have learned from this callousness, and you are forgiven.

Finally, you are forgiven for harming E back in September 2008. Note that others would incorrectly try to forgive you for “provoking him” in August of that year, and yet we both know that this was not the case. You loved his daughter deeply then (& always will), and honestly believed that he would be able to see past that relationship’s superficial circumstances and simply be happy that she had found a “good man” who truly loved her. And yet, this is not the belief he adopted; choosing instead to be greatly distressed by his daughter’s “poor choice”. And yet even after discovering that you were causing him immense pain, you continued to be a regular presence in his life; every time to his emotional detriment. Yes, “Love is always right”, and yet knowingly causing another pain is not. Your actions hurt him deeply. You have learned from this callousness, and you are forgiven.

As a bonus, you are also forgiven for harming F back in 2008. While you persisted in caring for him unconditionally for many months – months that brought him a renewed sense of Peace, when things got difficult you chose not to continue providing him with unconditional care. Out of fear of “losing him”, you passively watched as he harmed himself and others. This is not Love, which would have informed him gently that there were consequences for his “poor choices”, and then would have firmly-yet-lovingly set those consequences in motion once those choices were made. You did not do this, which actually encouraged his self-destruction – and hurt him deeply. You have learned from this cowardice, and you are forgiven.

Your Friend forever,

Scaughdt (your True Self)”

…………………………………………

See You when I see you …

… and until then, Be Now!

Scaughdt

Filed under: 366 Days of Kindness by Scaughdt