Addiction #30 – Regret (04/29/12)
LICKING THE RAZOR’S EDGE
Addiction #30 – the challenge of REGRET
“He tried to name which of the deadly seven might apply, and when he failed, he decided to append an eighth … regret.” ~ Charles Frazier
“When someone you love says goodbye, you can stare so long and hard at the door they closed that you forget to notice all the other doors that the Divine has already opened for you nearby.” ~ inspired by Shannon Alder
Regret is a remorseful sadness, the self-critical state of mind we experience when we blame ourselves for the unideal outcomes of our past … It is a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been; a wishing that we could either undo a previous action that went wrong, or re-engage a choice unmade that might have helped things to “turn out better”.
Like most living beings, we are programmed to analyze situations and make decisions that optimize our own pleasure or that give us the best chance to survive. Whenever we happen to make a mistake in this regard, the area of our brains responsible for processing rewards (the ventral striatum) gets “turned off”, while the area of our brains responsible for generating anxiety for potential dangers (the amygdala) gets “amped up”. And while this mechanism does enable us to “learn from our mistakes” and thereby “make better choices” in the future, it also demands a focus that is extremely self-centered. And because it is our self-centered choices that ultimately bring us the most suffering, regret is always counterproductive – ultimately taking us far away from the Peace of acceptance, and deeper into the pain of fear and longing.
I imagine that every one of us can think of at least a few “big mistakes” made in our past; choices we would make differently if given another chance to do so – decisions we regretted, and possibly actions that we still regret to this day.
And yet being addicted to regret is not only about our tendency to cling to degrading ourselves for our “major screw-ups”. Like most of our addictive tendencies, regret’s influence is as subtle as it is potent — infiltrating our lives in many ways of which we are often unaware.
RECOGNIZING our own ADDICTION to REGRET
To free ourselves of our self-destructive habits, we must first be conscious of them. And to be conscious of our addictions when they do surface, we must first be able to identify how those behaviors manifest themselves in our everyday lives.
To aid you in taking this important first step, I offer the following questions:
Do you wish you could live a more meaningful life – one where you spent more time with “things that matter” (e.g. friends, family, selfless service), and less time with things that don’t (e.g. work)?
Do you get down on yourself after making a mistake?
After discovering that you have accidentally caused another person pain, do you criticize yourself for that mistake – returning to it more than once in your thoughts?
Do you wish you had had the courage to “follow your dreams” in younger days?
Do you wish you had studied harder in school, paid more attention in class, &/or gone to college (or – if you did go to college – do you wish you had gotten a different degree)?
Do you find yourself apologizing for the same mistake more than once?
Do you criticize the life decisions of others – either directly to their face, or indirectly behind their backs?
Do you give unsolicited life-path advice to friends or family members?
Do you wonder how your life would be different “if only…”?
Do you rehash past mistakes; replaying them in your head in order to maybe “do better next time”?
Do you pine for a lost love – wondering what you could have done or said differently to keep your relationship with them from breaking up?
Do you feel guilty for the mistakes you have made as a parent, as a friend or as a co-worker?
Do you wish you “had more time”, or that you could enjoy your “free time” differently?
Do you have nightmares?
Do you worry about the lives of your friends or family members?
When you make a mistake and are confronted by it, do you feel ashamed, embarrassed or guilty?
Do thoughts of “the good old days” inspire you to feel nostalgic or sad?
Do you tend to reject, counter, dismiss or deflect compliments given to you?
Do you watch soap operas or talk shows?
Do you worry about your own future?
Do you read melodramatic “pulp literature” (e.g. entertainment magazines, romance novels, etc)?
Do you get a slight thrill whenever a TV or movie villain “gets what’s coming to them”?
Do you confess your “sins” to church leaders or confide your foibles to friends?
Do you analyze, criticize or gossip about your boss, your supervisor(s) or your co-workers?
Do you ridicule the actions or beliefs of your enemies (including citizens of other countries, worshipers of other religions, or member of other political parties)?
Do you rationalize or justify the decisions from your past that incidentally caused others pain?
Do you find yourself wishing that you had had the courage to “go your own way” or “live your own life”?
Do you sometimes look back and feel that you tried to satisfy the expectations of others instead of following a path that was in alignment with your True Self?
Do you avoid opening up when others who ask you about your personal life?
Do you wish you had a different job?
Do you second-guess minor decisions, &/or feel paralyzed when confronted with major ones?
Do you get noticeably angry when things go wrong in your life?
Do you wish you had kept in touch with more of your friends from the past?
Do you disguise your personal faults, &/or downplay the effects of your failures?
Do you experience regular headaches, &/or regular bouts of heartburn or indigestion?
Do you warn others about the “mistakes” they are making with their lives?
Do you use the word “sorry” more than once a month?
Remember, if you happened to answer any of these questions affirmatively, it does not make you “weak” or “inferior” or “bad” in any way. It merely means that you have identified some of the more subtle ways that regret is currently hampering your ability to experience real Peace in your life.
The CONSEQUENCES of REGRET
When left unchecked, regret leads not only to the well-known mental dysfunctions of depression & anxiety, but also manifests itself physically in hormonal imbalances and a weakened immune system. In addition, regret becomes an emotional infection that sinks us into the gloom of self-reproach, and that thereby tears us away from the glories of being alive. In a sense, then, to live in regret is to die long before our physical death.
*REGRET CLOUDS life’s BEAUTY
We are literally surrounded by Beauty in every moment of our lives, and yet we cannot experience the Beauty-full in the present if we are choosing instead to smear ourselves in the self-blames of our past.
*REGRET STIFLES our CREATIVITY
We are also born into bodies that can create – we can move aside mountains of fear when we choose to serve or communities, we can create great works of inspiration when we have the courage to express ourselves boldly, and we can make Love our active answer whenever confronted with those in need.
And yet none of these alternatives can come to pass while we are soaking in the misery of regret. Condemning ourselves for mistakes already made is an inherently passive affair – holding us down; preventing us from getting up and being actively productive with the time we still have left. Looking back to learn from past errors can be a useful guide, and yet that guidance becomes useless unless we let it go and get on with conspiring to add to the wonderment in our Here&Now.
*REGRET SUFFOCATES our LOVE
Our greatest Happiness in life comes not from attaining material abundance or financial success or emotional comfort. No, our greatest Joy comes from the complete Contentment we feel in those moments when we have the courage to reach out to care for others in need … something that is impossible to do in the present while we are soaking instead in regrets from the past.
In essence, then, once we understand the raw ineffectiveness of pining for a different past, our regrets become our only regret …
“Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.” ~ Henry David Thoreau
“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles. Indeed, you are right here, right now – living in this perfect moment, with the complete power to shape your day and mold your future.” ~ inspired by Steve Maraboli
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