Addiction #30 – Regret (Part 2 … a Way to Freedom) 04/29/12
LICKING THE RAZOR’S EDGE
Addiction #30 – REGRET
(Part 2 … a Way to Freedom)
“To know inner peace means to let go of all self-criticism.” ~ inspired by Sanaya Roman
“Calamity is born in shame and anticipation; therefore a person is wise who focuses on the present moment alone — regardless of her regrets from the past, and regardless of his worries for the future.” ~ inspired by Oliver Goldsmith
“Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other path, no other way, no day but today.” ~ Jonathan Larson
We might as well face it: most of us are going to have regular skirmishes with the enemy known as “regret”. After all, analyzing our decisions – and emotionally attaching some sort of remorse to those we deem to have been “mistakes” – is simply a part of our fundamental human psychology.
It is one of the ways we guide ourselves through life.
It is one of the ways we learn.
And yet it does NOT have to be one of the ways we suffer.
Like anything else in life, it is we and we alone who decide whether we will wallow in times of difficulty, or whether we will use those challenges to transcend our pain. And this is true for our times of regret as well.
It is refreshing news indeed to realize that we are not required to suffer the sadness of nostalgia or the frustrations of regret. We are always able to choose a different path – one that pauses for a fraction of a second, recognizes that regret has resurfaced, and then uses that regret as a tool to encourage us to take a fresh look in those moments; to examine ourselves and our lives anew. For if we have indeed slipped into regret, we can understand there must be something in our current surroundings that triggered such a slip – something from our present environment that resembles a painful decision from our past; a decision that caused us (and probably others) great pain; a potential pattern that we can choose to identify and avoid this time around.
It is with this approach that regret is no longer a shackling addiction, but rather has become a non-judgmental guide instead.
It is at this point that the soupy-haze of negative regret transforms itself into the crystal-clarity of neutral discernment.
And yet how can this transition come about? How can we smoothly flow from the scathing delusion of self-judgment into the mellow wisdom of understanding?
TIP #01: ANONYMOUSLY ATONE
Merely pondering our past errors and wishing we had behaved differently is not going to get us anywhere. For real change to occur in our lives, real action has to be taken. Logically, then, if we want to cleanse a regret that is mental and passive and self-absorbed (like regret), it is necessary to engage an activity that is physical and active and selfless. Instead of focusing on ourselves and our own plights – or fixating on ourselves and our own mistakes, it is necessary to get up, go forth, and extend a helping hand to someone else in need – especially when that someone happens to be in some way related to our specific regret. And it is especially helpful when that helping hand is an anonymous one – as the most potent change comes from the most potent gifts, and the most potent gifts are always the ones done solely for the sake of giving (not for the sake of receiving any form of thanks in return).
Of course, because there are many different sources of regret, so too are there many different ways in which we can anonymously atone for the same.
*Do you regret not spending more time on “things that matter”? Then go forth and start doing so – doing anonymous Good Deeds for your friends, giving anonymous smiles to strangers, engaging anonymous acts of Kindness for your enemies.
*Do you regret having caused another person pain? Then get up and go forth to do your best to anonymously remedy that mistake.
*Do you regret that you didn’t study harder or that you didn’t “make more of yourself”? Then get up and go forth to anonymously invest an hour or two a week in learning a new skill – preferably something that you can use to benefit your community thereafter.
TIP #02: ACTUALIZE your INNATE PERFECTION
This might be a surprise to some of you, but life is NOT “a Journey” – it is NOT a long, drawn-out series of opportunities to gradually “get happier over time”. No, your life is – at least as far as your “personal development” is concerned – a series of interconnected and yet completely independent moments.
Your life is happening fully and completely, right here — right now …
There is no tomorrow …
There is no someday …
This is it.
In each and every moment of your life, you are either selfishly focusing on the things that aren’t perfect (e.g. every fear for your future, every regret over your past), or you are selflessly focusing on bringing another instant of Peace to someone else (e.g. Love).
There is no way to “become perfectly happy” over time, and there is no way for us to maintain a lasting sense of “inner peace” either – our brains simply aren’t built that way.
AND YET, every moment of your life is an opportunity to live your current moment perfectly – every instant of your life is another chance to reach out to Care for others, as opposed to turning inward to worry or pine for yourself.
Every time you do the latter, dis-ease sets in and regret gets a better grip on your mind – and yet every time you choose the former, regret is washed away and Peace reigns within you anew.
Please note that you will indeed continue to make mistakes in life – and that you will indeed continue to be tempted to regret the same. And note as well that cleansing yourself of regret is NOT about glossing over your mistakes by rationalizing them or justifying them in any way. It is true that mistakes will be made, and yet none of us are “only human”. And even though it is true that we cannot exude our innate perfection (the desire to act in harmony with our conscience) over an extended period of time, we CAN do so for one instant … this instant … any instant.
Mistakes will be made, and it is wise for us to recognize them as such … AND mistakes is all they are; errors to learn from, and yet never to regret.
Recognize them, learn from them, let them go, and then use your new awareness to get back to being perfect – one moment at a time.
TIP #03: FORGE a FOUNDATION of FORGIVENESS
Many guru’s, teachers, preachers and pundits have noted that regret can only be washed away by forgiving ourselves for our past mistakes, and there is indeed great wisdom in this teaching. After all, we cannot get on with living a life of powerful Love for others while we are soaking in the superficial tub of self-loathing.
And yet it is important to understand a few things about self-forgiveness before we set forth to engage it:
*Forgiving yourself is not about forgetting that a mistake took place; it is about continuing to Love yourself WHILE you go forth to actively & anonymously atone for that error.
*Forgiving yourself is not about vowing to “do it differently next time”; it is about getting up, going forth and doing it differently RIGHT NOW.
*Forgiving yourself is not about “getting better” so that you won’t make similar mistakes in the future; it is about intending to not repeat those mistakes, and yet forgiving yourself again ahead of time if you do.
*Forgiving yourself is not about letting go of the past so that you can feel happier in the future; it is about releasing the past so that you are free to Love others more fully in the Here&Now.
“The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest; how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or called out or humiliated. And in the end, the only thing people ultimately regret is that they didn’t live boldly enough, that they didn’t invest enough heart, didn’t Love enough. Nothing else really counts at all.” ~ inspired by Ted Hughes
“In terms of days and moments lived, you’ll never again be as young as you are right now, so spend this day, the youth of your future, in a way that deflects regret. Have some real fun by doing something truly important … Love somebody extra.” ~ inspired by Victoria Moran
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