LICKING THE RAZOR’S EDGE

Addiction #27 – the challenge of NORMALCY

“The great safeguard of society and of domestic life was that sane people did what their neighbors did, so that if any lunatics were at large, one might know and avoid them.” ~ Mary Anne Evans

“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” ~ Rita Mae Brown

“Social pressures combine in insidious ways to make humane people act inhumanely.” ~ Pearson

Dozens of psychological and sociological studies have consistently confirmed that we humans will go to great lengths to fit in – to be seen as “normal” – to conform; either to harmonize with the majority of those around us, or to obey the desires of those “in charge”.

And you might wonder why this is so. Well, at our most primitive level of being, we humans are essentially herd animals. To feel more secure – especially when we feel physically threatened, we bond together in groups that are like-minded or like-believing. To feel more mentally at ease – especially when we are uncertain about a particular course of action, we look to see what “the crowd” is doing in order to make decisions that are judged to “good” or – at the very least “acceptable”. Essentially, we see other people as a source of strength and wisdom, and we feel at ease when surrounded by those who resemble our own appearance or reflect our own beliefs, fears and desires.

And this dynamic is not “bad” per se. Indeed, without it we probably would not have made it this far as species. We have no fur, no fangs and no claws. We aren’t that mobile and we don’t possess immense physical strength. And yet we could bond together into tribes – which then became cultures – which then became countries; groups of similar humans who have agreed to support and nourish and protect one another.

As such, conformity did serve its purpose in our species’ childhood, and was even useful in our adolescence. The problem today is that we no longer need to conform. Indeed, the very gravitation to normalcy that ensured our survival many thousands of years ago is beginning to destroy us today.

What was once a survival mechanism that gave us life, has now become an addiction that is the harbinger of our doom.

“If you are an approval addict, your behavior is as easy to control as that of any other junkie. All a manipulator need do is twofold: Give you what you crave, and then threaten to take it away. Every drug dealer in the world plays this game.” ~ Harriet Braiker

“But this doesn’t relate to me”, you might be thinking. “I’m living a life that doesn’t bow down to anyone.”

Maybe so – only you know for sure. And yet I will say that when I – a “radical” Peace Pilgrim — had the humility to take a calm & non-judgmental look at my own behaviors, I was stunned to find a subconscious drive towards conformity lurking there. And I bet if you have the courage to take a similar peek, you might be surprised as well …

RECOGNIZING YOUR own ADDICTION to “BEING NORMAL”

The addiction to normalcy is far more widespread than one might think. In a sense, it is the mother of all our addictions, and in many subtle ways affects us all. To help you identify the areas of your life where you too have unwittingly succumbed to these pressures (and to thereby help you free yourselves from the same), consider the following questions:

Do you laugh softly at racist jokes, smile quietly at negative gossip, or pretend to ignore hateful remarks in order to be “tactful” or “polite” to the speaker?

Do you make your opinions known using humor or sarcasm instead of direct statements?

Do you address your doctor with “doctor”, your preacher with “father”, policemen with “officer”, or judges with “your honor”?

Do you attend a church that supports ideals that you do not (e.g. war, condemnation, etc)?

Do you smoke cigarettes?

Is your Facebook profile closed to the public?

Do you remain in a relationship because you promised to do so; because you are worried about what others might think if you didn’t; because staying put is simply the “right thing to do”?

Do you vote because that is what a “good citizen” does, or pay income taxes because doing so is “responsible”?

Do you become annoyed, impatient or otherwise agitated when a friend or associate champions a belief that contradicts your own – an opinion that is simply “wrong” or “ignorant” or “radical” or even “dangerous”?

Do you regularly drink alcohol?

Do you generally shy away from conflict?

Do you have difficulty making and maintaining eye-contact?

Are you a member of a gang, a fraternity, a sorority, a civic club, a country club, a church or a political party?

Is it embarrassing for you to accidentally burp or fart in public?

Do you use slang when you write, text or speak?

Do you get your hair done at a salon, wear make-up, or visit tanning booths?

Do you regularly eat lunch with the same group of friends or coworkers?

When a “show of hands” is desired, do you abstain from raising yours?

Do you tell folks that you feel “great” when your really don’t?

Do you adopt the mannerisms, speech patterns or style of dress of people you admire?

Do you put off decision-making until you are relatively certain that your choice will be followed or approved?

Do you have difficulty laughing at yourself, or blush when you are laughed at?

Do you criticize yourself internally, or strive for “self-improvement”?

Are you in the military, or do you support your country’s “just wars”?

Do you “dress to impress”, or look at your reflection in mirrors or windows more than twice a day?

Do you give another person a holiday gift (or for their birthday) because they gave you one as well (or because you anticipate that they soon will)?

Do you diet (or lift weights, or go to the gym) in order to “look better”?

Do you secretly laugh at people who “act weird”, “dress poorly” or say “strange things”?

Do you have a fear of speaking in public?

Do you associate primarily with others who have a similar economic status, the same race, &/or a belief system similar to your own?

Do you believe that “the ends justify the means”, or that Right Action means “doing the greatest good for the greatest number”?

Do you feel certain of your own morality?

Do you believe in any stereotypes (e.g. black people are generally lazy, Asian people are generally smart, Jewish people are generally stingy, Americans are generally superficial, etc)?

Do you believe that “silence is consent” – that if others don’t voice contrary opinions, it means that they agree with yours?

Do you debate or argue or opine about issues more than you respectfully discuss them?

Do you refuse to recognize the homeless people you pass on the streets?

Do you speak critically about others when they are not present?

Chances are, you (like myself) answered “yes” to more than a few of these queries. If so, it is important to remember that this doesn’t make you “bad” or “weak” or “less than” in any way. The point of the questions was not to show you your flaws, but rather to identify many of the subtle ways that you too are addicted to “fitting in”. After all, the first step to altering a subconscious behavior is consciously identifying it.

The CONSEQUENCES of our ADDICTION to NORMALCY

But why is it important to do so? Why is it important for any of us to cleanse our tendencies to conform to the “will of the masses”, or to check our tendency to bow down to “those in power”?

We are all aware of the consequences of the more extreme forms of conformity. A populace that is highly patriotic and neither questions the accuracy of media reports nor holds its leaders accountable will watch quietly while its young men & women are sent off to fight in contrived, immoral wars. An executive who has been told that he deserves everything he has been given will coldly ignore the homeless woman on the street. A teenager who is afraid to be seen as “uncool” will start drinking alcohol, or smoking cigarettes, or engaging in promiscuous sex. An eye-witness who is afraid of the police will allow them to convince him that he saw what he didn’t see – and yet another innocent “criminal” goes to prison as a result.

And yet, as tragic as they are, these are not the most severe consequences of our addiction to normalcy. Please consider the following …

*CONFORMITY ADDICTION LIMITS FREEDOM

Essentially, conformity breeds a complacency that destroys judicial freedoms. In 2001, under the pretense of protecting American citizens from terrorists, the “Patriot Act” was passed – and with its passage, many of the rights and liberties that Americans have long treasured were severely constrained. Because they were collectively angry & afraid, Americans allowed their fear to be manipulated. They conformed to their fear, and their fear inspired them to sit back and allow their Constitution to be raped and pillaged. In May of 2011, almost ten years later, President Obama signed a four-year extension of three provisions of that same Act – provisions that allowed the government to utilize roving wiretaps (they can legally eavesdrop), search business records (they can legally snoop), and follow “lone wolves” — those not affiliated with terrorist groups and yet suspected of terrorism (they can legally spy). Were it not for their human tendency to conform in times of “danger”, the majority of Americans would never have allowed Obama to do such a thing, much less have allowed the Patriot Act to become law in the first place.

It is only one example among many, and yet it clearly illustrates an important Truth: exercising our freedom to conform ensures the loss of that very freedom.

*CONFORMITY ADDICTION CREATES HOLLOW RELATIONSHIPS

The impulse to judge those who are different as “strange”, “weird” or even “dangerous” is extremely strong in humans. This causes us not only to shun and ridicule those brilliantly “odd” individuals who have so much to offer us (and our communities), it makes our relationships with friends and loved ones brittle as well.

When love is given conditionally, it becomes weak. As such, whenever we “love” our friends and family members because they are like us, our Love for them becomes based not in who they truly are, but whether or not how they are choosing to behave and function “appropriately”. This is not real Love, and our “loved ones” know it. As a consequence, our relationships lose their depth of intimacy, a depth that can only come when Caring is detached from performance and given unconditionally — regardless of how the other looks or talks or acts or believes.

In essence, though our conformity pulls us tightly together, it actually keeps us far apart.

*CONFORMITY ADDICTION MAKES LIFE MEANINGLESS

Conformity encourages us to behave “normally”. It wants us to have a “good job”, own “important stuff” and do the “right thing”. We are persuaded to be “responsible” to our family, friends and country. And we do so … we adopt a cookie-cutter life — not because we want to, but rather because we feel like we must.

And this is where our Soul begins to “fade”. Instead of following our dreams, we take whatever job we can get and hold onto it no matter what – even if it involves doing things that violate our own principles. Instead of choosing to Love our partners for all their Good Qualities, we bemoan that we are “stuck with them” – and distance ourselves from them emotionally. Instead of serving our community in ways that are small-yet-significant, we live lives of not-so-quiet desperation; enduring meaningless days enslaved to repetitive routines, exhausting obligations and mindless habits.

In essence, in striving to fit in to our culture, our lives are no longer fit to live.

“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” ~ Krishnamurti

“If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may get yourself knocked down. But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good.” ~ Thomas J. Watson, Jr.

“Conform; do what other people do simply because they do it, and a lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul. One becomes all outer show and inward emptiness — dull, callous, and indifferent.” ~ Virginia Woolf

“Ideally, what should be said to every child, repeatedly, throughout his or her young life is something like this: ‘You are in the process of being indoctrinated. We are sorry, but what you are being taught is an amalgam of current prejudice and the choices of this particular culture. You are being taught by people who have chosen to accommodate themselves to a regime of thought laid down by their predecessors. It is a self-perpetuating system. Those of you who are more robust than others will leave and find ways of educating yourself and making your own choices. Those that stay must remember, always — and all the times, that they are being purposefully molded and patterned to fit neatly into the narrow needs of this particular society.” ~ inspired by Doris Lessing

Filed under: Licking the Razor's Edge (freedom from hidden addictions) by Scaughdt