“Impermanence is not just of philosophical interest. It’s very personal. Until we accept and deeply understand in our very being that things change from moment to moment, and never stop changing even for one instant, only then can we truly let go and accept them as they are. And when we really do let go, the relief that wells up within us is enormous. And ironically, this gives release to a whole new dimension of Love … It’s like a dance.  We have to give everything space to dance its dance … And yet that doesn’t mean giving up relationships; it doesn’t mean giving up one’s profession, or one’s family, or one’s home. It has nothing to do with that; it’s not an external change. It’s an internal change. It’s a shift from holding tightly to embracing lightly.” ~ Tenzin Palmo

Back in the summer of 2006, Todd and I lived on a farm together for a few months. For those of you who knew Todd during this time, you know that he was already deep in the throes of his depression, and that he was looking for stints of solace anywhere he could find them.  We had often discussed selfless service as an alternative form of treatment for his depression (we had both read “A Man’s Search for Meaning”, and were both admirers of Victor Frankl’s rediscoveries in this regard), and yet never was the truism “easier said than done” more applicable … Knowing what to do to break free of clinical depression is one thing; actually doing so while depressed is quite another.

And yet, at least for that spring, Todd actually managed to walk that talk … and while he did so, it really did seem to work. There were many days when it even became obvious that he was actually headed back to the world of emotional Happiness & “mental health”.  Alas, if only he had chosen a service-project that had a chance of success …

You see, Todd was a man of “Great Vision” — He knew how things “should be” between nations (that there should be no war), he knew how things “should be” between people (that there should be no hunger or poverty), and he also felt he knew how things “should be” in Nature.  In this particular case, Todd knew that the spring-fed stream on this particular farm needed waterfalls … and so he went to work building them.

Hour after hour, and day after day, Todd would dredge the stream — only to have it steadily fill itself back in with silt & mud.  Hour after hour, and day after day, Todd would sink large slabs of marble to dam the stream and make truly beautiful waterfalls — only to wake the next day and find that the water had found a way under or around those dams.  Every day he would rejoice in finally creating a new wonder, and every morning he would awake to find that Nature had taken that wonder away from him.

Most of us metaphorically “push the river” more than once during our lifetimes (maybe striving for an outcome that is less than feasible, or clinging to a relationship that has long-since disappeared) … That spring, Todd found himself pushing a river as well —  literally.

To his credit, through sheer strength and determination, he actually succeeded in building a gorgeous succession of waterfalls that endured for a few weeks.

And yet, as is always ultimately the case, Nature had her way in the end … The water began to flow under and around his dams, the waterfalls ceased to make their beautiful music, and he perceived his efforts to have been a failure.

There are some pretty obvious lessons for us all in this tale that don’t need to be mentioned directly — and there is a more subtle wisdom that is just as important to realize.  You see, even though Todd was indeed futilely “pushing the river” — even though he was indeed striving against the “will” of a force far more powerful than he was, his efforts did make a lasting impact on that stream. And even though he considered his work to be a failure because it didn’t end up the way he knew to be “better”, his efforts were not at all in vain.

“Todd’s Grotto” (as I privately call the place) is to this day a place of deep Peace and immense Wonder — in no small part due to “ill-fated” efforts of the summer of 2006. True, his waterfalls can no longer be seen or heard, and yet the hundreds of mossy stones he placed, the dozens of ferns he planted, and even the marble slabs he sunk into the landscape all remain to this day — and all combine to make the place truly Beauty-full.  Todd worked on that spring for free and he worked on it for Love — and even though the river refused to be pushed, the Love in his pushing will remain there forever …

There is certainly no failure in that.

“Death is a natural part of life.
Rejoice for those around you
who transform into the Force.” ~ Yoda

 

Filed under: A Tribute to Todd by Scaughdt