RETURNING TODD to a PLACE of PEACE
… Bringing my brother back to the Big Island

“Tribute 05 (& Tribute Final) … Kua Bay”

I have been blessed to have been able to memorialize Todd many times since learning of his death, and it has been a great blessing to have been able to share some of those memorials with you all over the past few days. Each tribute had its own unique set of wonders & emanated its own unique sense of Peace; each one of them called forth a unique set of warm memories, and each one of them represented its own unique collection of lessons & wisdoms. And yet, even though I treasure each one of them deeply , the final ceremony we held for Todd at Kua Bay was possibly my favorite …

Why this was the case, I do not know for sure. Maybe it was because I knew that we had honored him over the course of the previous four days in ways that he would have cherished himself — that he was in that sense finally & truly & fully “laid to rest” … Maybe it was because of the awe-inspiring & pristine Beauty of our final Tribute’s setting — with its miniature “lava arch” openly embracing each incoming wave, with its chartreuse seaweed glowing warmly in the light of the slowly setting sun … And maybe it was because we had recently learned from mutual friends that Todd had lived happily on this very beach during his final visit to the Big Island 2010.

Either way, it was a very special evening commemorating the life & passing of a very special man … an evening that will forever remind me of a man, who will forever remind me of why we are all here — to LOVE. And I don’t mean the warm & fuzzy “butterflies inside” love that we feel in the throes of passion or romantic affection, and I don’t mean the calm & comfort we feel when in the presence of good friends or lifelong partners. I don’t even mean the glorious joy we all feel when we wake up to loving life itself — when we pause long enough to simply be happy to be alive at all.

No, while those feelings & emotions & realizations are all fine & good, they are NOT why we are here — they are NOT the Love that gives our life its ultimate Meaning, nor are they the Love that guides us unerringly towards our greatest Bliss & Purest Purpose.

No, my Friends, while I indeed dearly loved my brother as a confidant and a friend — even a “Soulmate”, the Love for him that means by far the most to me — the Love that I carry within me to this day, and the Love that I will take with me one day into eternity, is the Love I showed him … the Love I gave him in silent deeds of Kindness; the Love I expressed whenever welcoming him back into my life; the Love I showered over him in those times he “least deserved it”.

The LOVE I reference here — the LOVE that Todd enlivened in me while he was alive, and the LOVE of which he reminds me still to this day, is not the warm emotion we feel in times of ease & comfort, but is the uncomfortable deed we engage in times of fear or dis-ease. Yes, it is good to feel “love” for those who are good to us, and it is wonderful to revel in times of joy & happiness … and real LOVE only comes when we are down or tired or scared or angry or hurt, and yet choose to reach out anyway.

And I will admit, there were times (not many, and yet still a few) when I did not give this Love to Todd. There were times when it wasn’t “feasible” or convenient … There were times when I was too tired or too busy or too preoccupied with “personal matters” … There were times when I didn’t think reaching out to him would do any good or make any difference … There were times when I even took a few emotional steps back — to allow him to “finally care for himself”.

Now I’m not saying these choices were “bad” or “wrong”, mind you. They were always well intended and they were always made with Todd’s “best interests” at heart. I always cared deeply for Todd, and I always wanted to act in such a way as to somehow help him help himself. And yet looking back now, I have a clearer understanding of the situation, and a much clearer understanding of LOVE.

And what I now understand is this: Not Loving another person — not opening up to their requests for help or kindness by offering a whole-being “Of course” — not embracing them warmly, for whatever reason or rationalization … is always a mistake … ALWAYS.

There were times when Todd reached out to me in the last few years of his life when I chose not to fully open myself to him. It is true that these moments were few & far between, and yet they were there nonetheless … And these are the moments that I would to this day do almost anything to have back; to — despite all doubt or reservation — embrace him anyway; to open my arms one more time anyway … to selflessly & unconditionally LOVE him (the verb) anyway.

And yet that is no longer possible … That window has closed, and all I am left with is a solid determination to never make that same mistake ever again – to reach out to every person I encounter each day (even if only with a subtle smile); to answer every call for help or company with a gentle & heartfelt “Of course.”

And I resolve as well to in-Courage as many of you as possible to do the same, and to do so not only with the ones you love or the ones who are easy to love …

Indeed, it is important to remember that every single person in our lives sits at the Right Hand of God. This is true for every friend who comforts, and this is true for every enemy who angers. This is true for every lover who soothes and this is true for every associate who annoys. This is true for every “saint” who inspires, and this is true for every “demon” who frightens … They are all worthy of our LOVE, and this no matter what they are professing to us, no matter what they believe about us, and no matter what they are doing to us.

Our job is not to fix other people — or to correct them or to guide them or even to understand them. Our job is to LOVE them – to do so every chance we get, and to do so fully & completely; as though it is the last chance we will ever have …

… for one day it truly will be.

Peace to you all … S

“Before your own life flickers and fades to an end,
use its precious gift to find that which never dies.
Love is that immortality, for Love does not end when we die,
but rather radiates outward into the forever …
brightening all it touches;
warming all it comes near.”
~ anonymous

Filed under: A Tribute to Todd by Scaughdt