“The moment you start seeing life with a non-serious playfulness, then all the burdens on your heart disappear. All your yearnings disappear. All your self-criticisms disappear. All your fears disappear. When this choice is made, you start living with a very light Heart; a Soul that has almost heaviness to it at all. The serious man has made the world, with all its anxieties & hopes & cravings. And it is the serious person in you who has made you cling to the same. The playful heart, on the other hand, has dropped out of the serious world. It has created a world of its own which is very full of laughter, where even greatest of Masters behave like joyful children.” ~ inspired by Osho

In order to set your Self free from the bondage of self-judgment, it is sometimes effective to flagrantly broadcast who you really Are. All of your criticisms of others are grounded in some sort of criticism of yourself. And all of those criticisms of yourself are founded in societal norms designed to have you continually striving to become “pretty enough” (or “good enough” or “successful enough”).

So one great way to break free of these norms is to open ip and consciously (and Respect-fully) violate them. In essence, it can be brilliantly freeing to “be weird”. After all, we are ALL unique beings – we are ALL obviously very different from everyone else around us – and therefore we are ALL innately “weird”. Of course, the only way to REMEMBER THIS TRUTH is to feel it – and the only way to deeply feel it is to flagrantly act it out; to be publicly unconventional; to be openly & unabashedly “strange”.

Wear weird clothes … Try a bizarre hairstyle (see picture – Yes, this picture was taken several months ago. Rest assured, my hair is MUCH more outrageous these days) … Invent a new gait and “walk funny” … Try communicating using odd words or an unusual tone of voice.

It doesn’t really matter what you do; it is simply important that you feel how it feels to be separate from the “herd” – while also feeling that YOU ARE O.K. while you do so.

Having the Courage to be an individual will make it easier to accept others behaving similarly, and it will open your eyes to the innate brilliance that resides within not only yourself, but everyone around you as well.

“You cannot improve upon yourself … Nobody else has ever been like you and nobody else will ever be like you; you are simply unique, incomparable. Accept this, love this, celebrate this–and in that very celebration you will start seeing the uniqueness of the others, the incomparable Beauty of the others.” ~ unknown

“Everyone has a true Beauty, even though many choose not to See it.” ~ Confucius

If you cannot See another sentient being as truly Beautiful, then your judgment has not at all accurately labeled THEIR appearance, but rather has only served to identify YOUR own lack of Vision.

Take this picture for example … Would you say that the women on the left is “more beautiful”? If so, then you are blind and need to wake UP. How about the woman on the right? Did you say that she is “more beautiful” (or even cleverly “more Beauty-full”)? Again, if you did, then your blindness is just as complete.

Both of these woman are equally Beauty-full & equally Beautiful, and until you can See this Truth, your Appearance Addiction will continue to wreak havoc with your sense of Inner Peace.

A great way to free yourself from the delusion of “ugliness” is to go forth and consciously See the innate, objective Beauty of everyone you meet for one full day.

To do so, simply go forth and look for people you would normally judge as “plain” or “unattractive” or even “ugly” and choose to keep looking at them more & more closely until you wake up to the fact that your judgment is not only painful – it is also patently incorrect.

The sooner you can actively See this Truth in the folks you encounter in your everyday life, the sooner You will be free to fully enJoy the same.

“She had a way of seeing the Beauty in others, even, and perhaps most especially, when that person couldn’t see it in themselves.” ~ J. K. Rowling

“What is the quality of your intent? … What each of us must come to realize is that our intent always comes through. We cannot sugarcoat the feelings in our heart of hearts.” ~ Thurgood Marshall

When we are battling any addiction, the choices we make are not nearly as important as the reasons behind those decisions. Addictions (be they to cigarettes or to eating meat or to focusing on external appearances) are fear-based behaviors, and as such, they thrive on every one of our intentions that are self-centered (and therefore at least partially founded in fear).

Thus, it makes perfect sense that we can only combat addictions by engaging in actions with selfless intentions – grounded in desires focused on the benefit of others, as opposed to those that benefit ourselves.

For example, in the case at hand (Appearance Addiction), going to a fitness studio in order to “look better” and hopefully be judged by others as “more attractive” will obviously feed your addiction to superficial appearances.

On the other hand, going to the same fitness center on the same day at the same time and doing exactly the same workout in order to live a healthier life — in order to thereby be able to serve others more effectively — is one way to free yourself from that very same addiction.

In essence, replacing your addiction to “beauty” (with a renewed understanding of Beauty) does not really require you to do anything differently, as much as it demands that you completely shift the reasons WHY you choose to do whatever you do.

As long as you are attempting to make yourself “more attractive” in any way, your appearance addiction will intensify – and the suffering that inevitably accompanies it will intensify as well.

And yet, as soon as you simply let all your concerns for “self” go and choose to actively cherish the Beauty of those around you (as opposed to striving to enhance your own “beauty”), you will once again be free.

“What is a perfect thought? A perfect thought is one devoid of selfish motive … Thought leads to action. The same action can be undertaken with a selfish intention or a selfless intention … The intention behind any action is always more important than the action itself.” ~ Sharon Gannon

Another great way to weaken and release your tendency to judge some people as “beautiful” and others as less so, is to pause for a few minutes many times each day and really look around you. And I don’t mean just glance around – I mean to really deeply LOOK; to deeply gaze at everything you see in those few moments as though you have never seen it before; to deeply realize that this is actually the case – you never have seen that woman before; you never have seen those clouds before; you never have really seen that building before.

When we were infants, everything was literally Awe-FULL. Everything was a miracle – everything was known to be Beautiful. And this was not because we were impressionable or naïve or ignorant, but rather because our minds in those days had not been clouded with preconceptions and fears and desires. There was no comparison or contrast – no memories of things “similar”, and therefore nothing that could be seen as “boring” or “familiar”. It was all exactly as it still is today: perfectly and literally Beautiful!

Indeed, everything in our lives is constantly taking on a new form in every instant. Just because our eyes and our brains cannot register these subtle shifts does not mean they aren’t there. And this Truth is as pertinent to the people we encounter as it is to the trees we see or the concrete on which we walk. Even though she might appear to be the same person, the good friend that you meet for coffee today is literally not the same good friend you met with last week. A large portion of her material body has LITERALLY changed in that period of time – she is LITERALLY a new person, a human being you have LITERALLY never met before.

And when you part ways at the end of your rendezvous, you will never ever see that particular version of her ever again.

And it is this brilliant state of constant impermanence that makes everything we encounter in every moment of every day of our lives completely original and whole-heartedly unique.

And if we can pause long enough to remember this, it ALL can become Beauty-full for us once again.

“If I just let the day flow like a gentle stream, around each bend appears blue sky, views of forever … If I just let the day, this day, be guided with goodness; let Nature be my companion, a joyful song arises …” ~ Evelyn Asher

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; for a beautiful body, do the next loving deed; and for inner poise – a beautiful Soul, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” ~ inspired by Audrey Hepburn

Addictions manifest themselves in our actions, and while it might seem to not be the case, this is true with the Appearance Addiction as well. Yes, we judge others as “less then attractive” or “plain” or even “downright ugly” with our minds, and yes, we rarely utter those words of condemnation aloud or follow through with an unkind deed. AND YET it is these very thoughts that have us acting in the most potently unloving way possible: we distance ourselves from those others. Our critical judgments of the appearance of others automatically keeps us from opening up to them. As soon as we label another as “less than” in any way, a sense of apathy begins to grow inside of us and an deep-seated emotional sloth follows quickly on its heels. These thoughts have us dismissing all others that are not “attractive enough”, and we automatically look elsewhere for friends or partners who are “more worthy”. In essence, as soon as we judge anyone else (including ourselves) to be “ugly” or “plain” in any way, our primitive selves stop reaching out to those folks. Such thoughts keep us from Caring – they keep us from being Kind.

So, logically then, one of the most powerful ways to combat this addiction is by ACTING DIFFERENTLY – by overly acting with Kindness; especially towards those friends, those associates and those strangers that your ego judges critically.

When you catch yourself judging another’s clothes or their hair or their looks, pause for just one instant and then go right up to that person and give them a sincere compliment. (Hint: if you can’t think of anything about them that is “pretty”, you can always compliment their eyes – EVERYONE has gorgeous eyes.)

When you catch yourself complaining about how “boring” life is or how “bad” the weather happens to be, pause for just one instant, find something you are grateful for, and then share your newfound Gratitude with another person. (Hint: if you are having a really “tough life” &/or a really “bad day”, you can always be deeply grateful that you are alive at all.)

And when you catch yourself shying away from (or otherwise being intimidated by) a “beautiful person”, pause for just one instant, and then go up to them and say something Kind. While many of us wish that we were as pretty or as handsome as they are, it is important to remember that such “beauty” in our society carries with it a profound loneliness – a deep isolation from that comes from others seeing only how they look, and rarely appreciating who they truly are. As such, it is ironically the “beautiful people” who are the saddest – ironically, it is the “pretty people” who need our Kindness the most. So choose to see past their illusory exteriors as well, and make sure they know that you at least See the Beauty that resides WITHIN them.

The only way we are going to make it is to actively remember that WE ARE ALL ONE –and the only way that we will ever do so is if we choose to set aside our mental fixation on the “beauty” (or lack thereof) in others’ bodies, and return to actively cherishing the Beauty of their Souls.

“It takes generosity to discover the whole through others. If you realize you are only a violin, you can open yourself up to the world by playing your role in the concert.” ~ Jacques Cousteau

“An open Heart shines forth a true Beauty no matter how one appears or what one wears.” ~ inspired by Anne Roiphe

This final Beauty-Tip is as effective as it is straight-forward. Essentially, to completely remove your addiction to judging the external appearances of self & others, all that is required is that you have the humility to “go within” … All that is needed is for you to set aside your arrogant, fear-based criticisms of everything that “isn’t yet should be”, and replace them with a deep Gratitude for everything (and everyone) that already IS.

Some folks call this “praying”, and yet it is not necessary to believe in any particular version of “the Divine” in order to express a profound reverence for the Majesty & the Mystery of Life (what some folks, including me, call “God”).

Maybe your reverence sounds like a traditional prayer, maybe it looks like a meditation, or maybe it looks & sounds like a celebration. It doesn’t really matter what form your Reverence takes. It is only important that it be based in Humility and soaked in Gratefulness; that it focus on what you are Appreciating as opposed to what you are judging; that it removes all comparisons between yourself and others and Sees you ALL as ONE instead.

…

Remember while you do so that, no matter what method you use to deal with your addiction, fighting your ego forcefully never brings lasting results. Whenever it feels attacked in any way, your “small self” simply hides for a time, quietly gets stronger while you think you have “made progress”, and then bursts forth twice as strong at a later date.

Fortunately, the Three-Step Path mentioned in previous posts is a readily available (and extremely effective) alternative:

Step 01) ACKNOWLEDGE your Ego … Recognize your desire to criticize, judge, belittle or insult the appearance of another (including yourself). And recognize as well where that urge comes from – your ego’s fear that you yourself aren’t pretty or handsome enough; its misguided belief that you yourself are not worthy of being Loved and not capable of Loving.

Step 02) CONSOLE your Ego … Remember to thank the ego sincerely for all it has done in your past to keep you safe and keep you sane (especially your infancy and your early childhood). Without its fearful vigilance in your youth, you might indeed have fallen by the wayside. And be sure to be gentle with your ego as well … Reassure it that you are not going to stop judging the “plain” and the “ugly” forever – just for this one moment; that you are not going to stop looking for “beautiful people” and “pretty things” forever – just for today. This will allow the ego to relax long enough for you to engage the all-important …

Step 03) TRANSCEND your Ego … Do so by going forth (while you are still experiencing the desire to label or criticize or compare) and Being Actively Kind – preferably to the person or object that you were judging just a few moments before.

If you can manage to perform these 3 Steps just one time, then all that will remain to conquer this addiction is for you to simply live on happily until your next craving returns — and then engage the same 3 Steps again (& again & again & again).

And whenever we do so — whenever we choose to focus on the Beauty-full instead of the “boring”, the Unique instead of the “ugly”, and the Nourishing instead of the “normal”, our self-centered judgments are made to fall away, and all that is left is a profound Appreciation for everyone and everything around us.

“It is in my power to either serve God or not to serve Him. Serving Him, I add to the Goodness of the whole world. Not serving Him, I deprive the world of that Good which was in my power to create – a Power that He gave me at my conception; a Power that is recharged every time I sit in awe at this most amazing gift of my life; a Power that is magnified every time I act accordingly.” ~ inspired by Leo Tolstoy

P.S. In case any of you are wondering, GOD IS A VERB … 😉